!!!!!!EXTRA!!!!!!

"The National Guard from Fort Indiantown Gap has been called upon to fight that there monstrosity, and they'll whup it's butt, too." Gov Ridge was also quoted as having said.

Local lumber yard employee Jacob Yoder saw the beast and told this reporter about the events while brutzing (crying--rhymes with "foot-sing") over the damage caused by the vile beast.

"He first came out by shed three over there. Most of us was too scared even to run. That there English feller (ALL non-amish citizens are English), Andy was either too stupid or too brave to flee. He grabbed a camera and took a picture of the ugly bugger!"

"He gobbled up our horses in one horolific bite. His jaw mashed from side to side while he et," (rhymes with "yet" and means "eat").

"He looked just like my girlfr--, I mean my cow, Bessie when she ets grass! Then he headed south and moved towards the bottom of the yard. I stayed behind but that Andy feller chased him. Them English never stay and do the work their supposed to do. They run off at every oportunity!"

Another employee, Benuel Deiner witnessed the creature too.

"I seen him coming and I ran into building number nine. The creature was taking his time because my co-worker Andy ran right past him and came in here to grab the shotgun. He tossed me his camera and told me to take some of them devilish pictures while he battled the serpent."

"The fight didn't last long. Good ole Andy only got off one shot before his head was stuffed through his butt. It's unfortunate but at least we don't have to fire his lazy behind now. Good thing we don't carry no benefits or we would have had to pay off his wife and kids."

"We gave him a decent burial though. We shovelled him into a 33 gallon hefty bag and laid him to rest at the scenic landfill. I gave the last rites myself. That way we didn't have to pay for no preacher, we took the cost of the bag out of his last paycheck and gave the rest to his wife...it was the least we could do."

"Then stomping Andy and eting Jakey's (chaykee's) horses must have made him thirsty because he went over to that there water tower next door and had a nice long drink. Then he left out a horrible belch!"

"I used Andy's evil camera to take a few pitchers (he means pictures) but made sure that none of my Amish co-workers were caught on film. Having your pitcher taken is the same as idol worshiping, you know."

As Benuel and I talked I could here what sounded like thunder. The sun was dropping quickly towards the horizon but there was still plenty of light to see that there were no thunder-boomers (storm clouds) overhead.

It didn't take me long to realize that what I was hearing wasn't thunder but it was actually the sound of giant footfalls. The ground around us shook and we struggled to stay on our feet. I had just realized that I was about to become a witness in my own story!

"Benuel," I asked my cousin--I mean the witness. "Is he coming back?"

"I don't (prounounced "doe-unt") think so. This one sounds MUCH more bigger!"

As we spoke a giant head appeared above the top of building seven at the lumber yard. A hideous, resonant scream echoed forth from the serpent's throat when he saw the flash from my camera. I dove for cover but Benuel was caught in stream of fire that the monster had burped out on him.

Apparently satisfied, the giant creature shambled away towards the south, chasing after the smaller imitator. May God help those who get in it's path.

Anyway, the big monster ate the little one. Unfortunately, there ain't no pictures since none of the witnesses lived to tell the tale. We figured out that the big one ate the little one by examining the big one's poop. It had traces of the smaller monster in it.

The first clue was when the kaiju attacked the Dutch Wonderland amusement park early this morning. Despite it's name, it's an English establishment and we won't miss it. (see photo) The smaller monster was not seen or heard from again after leaving the lumber yard. He should have beaten the bigger monster to Lancaster City but didn't.

Finding this odd, I followed his backtrail all the way to the scene of the suspected battle. Acres of recently sold farmland (all of the farms are being pushed out to make way for more housing developments for the English) were torn apart and trampled with giant footprints. Two sets went in but only one set came out.

Later, we found a fifteen foot high pile of poop. I fetched my brother, Luke, an expert shit sniffer from way back, and brought him to the scene. He confirmed that the smaller, funny looking monster was eaten by the bigger, scary looking monster.

Then, after setting fire to the amusement park, Godzilla turned towards the Northwest and began to stomp away. I had to drive the horses hard to keep up with him in my buggy but I managed to follow.

Godzilla went to Harrisburg, the state's capitol city. I don't know much about that since my religion keeps me away from English laws and taxes.

Once in Harrisburg he was engaged by the National Guard. He fried half of them with a mighty burp that burned everything in it's path. Then his fiery breath stopped, almost as though he was out of fuel.

He took out the other half by dropping a building on them. Someone told me that it was the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) but I can't really say for sure what that is. I guess it has something to do with cars?

As the dust settled, I heard once again that triumphant, piercing scream that monster is known for. It shook me to my bones and made my neck hairs stand up on their edges.

Now that the national guard is gone, I guess the English will call out their real Army. I hope they fare better than their weekend counterparts did.

I heard that Governor Ridge called the President Clinton, a democrat. He must be desperate. Now, we Amish don't get much involved in them there political thingees, but we do know that these here Lancaster people always vote for them Republicans. Of course, nothing them English do makes sense to us. From my understandin' of the political "climate" (as them English call it), anyone that doesn't already have a small fortune would be a fool to vote for them Republicans. I guess they must all be rich!?

The President said that he was going to call Tokyo for advice as soon as he and Monica were done with the Cubans. I'm not sure what the President and Monica are doing with the Cubans but I'm guessing that it's one of them national secrets.

Godzilla turns from the wreckage and makes his way towards TMI (Three Mile Island nuclear power plant).

I can't be sure, but it looks as though he's eating the nuclear fuel!

I have no idea why he might be doing this, but I will leave all of you residents with this final sliver of hope...Without his "fire breath", I'll bet the Army can whoop Godzilla's butt! Let's just hope he doesn't get it back, now onced!

Then one day, when I was still working at the "local lumber yard", I was just having the most horrible day of my life.

I knew destroying the place would be counter-productive, so I went home that night and threw together some composites of my own of the "new godzilla" stomping around my workplace... then I nuked both the insulting monster and my workplace one fell swoop... BWA-HAA-HAA!!!!!

Ahem-...Anyway, everybody LOVED the composites and thought I should post them on my web page. I decided that I would, but how do I make it interesting? How can I make it original? What do I know about that others don't, but might like to learn along with enjoying the Godzilla pics?

That is when I decided to roast the Amish community. I have dealt firsthand with many Amish people and know their culture "fairly well". (I say fairly becasue if you're English like me, they never share sh!t with you).

I know that the "worldly" opinion of the Amish (thanks to horribly inaccurate movies like WITNESS) is that they are a quaint, old-fashioned and pious community that barely manage to eke out a living by selling their crops and quilts at roadside stands to the evil English.

While most of that is almost true, the Amish are also shrewd, ludicrously penny pinching, well learned business men who never pay a dime for anything unless they feel that they'll get their money's worth out of it.

An amish dollar, (looks like ours but THEY are holding it) is worth at least twice and more accurately three times the value of a dollar that an English person holds. If an Amish person spends money in YOUR establishment, you will either give him a discount, or he will get his money's worth out of you in service, whether you want to give it or not.

They are notoriously difficult to please but you MUST go out of your way to please them. The alternative is that their entire community will boycott your place of business. Since Amish make up one-third of the population where I live, no one can afford to have that happen.

At the same time, the Amish community is one of the richest in our area. They have more money to spend than anyone esle, and why shouldn't they? No phones, no electricity, no insurance, no cars...nothing that they can't provide for themselves. Their primary means of travel are by horse, bike, or (believe it or not...) rollerblades! They grow their own food and take care of their own.

Their work ethic is rivaled only by the Japanese. They are fearless and often times take the jobs that others are too scared to take, and they get paid well for it by their standards but it's cheap compared to our ideas of "hazard pay". An Amishman will think nothing of going up on the fiberglass roof of your pole-barn to shovel off thirty inches of snow.

Do not think that I dis-like the Amish. I have nothing but respect for them (which is why NO amish folks appear in the pictures on this page), but it is just my nature to make fun of people whenever I get a chance.

Admit it! You thought the page was fun, didn't you?